Our own educational scheme or even our environment often make us believe that certain actions or behaviors are justifiable or even normal. There are therefore many adults who believe in “good faith” that using VEOs “is a good education” and that there is no other way for the child to become “someone good “. According to them, this is how the child can learn better, progress and, above all, behave well. Moreover for these adults, there cannot be “good education” without VEO, which is understandable when we note that the majority of adults or education professionals have been brought up with punishments, spankings, threats, humiliations, insults, false promises … they reproduce (without knowing the impact of this violence on children) generally the way they were educated themselves without having thought about it, without wanting or being able to cause their parents. It can also be very painful to look back on your own childhood, to criticize, to question the education you received, to point fingers at your parents.

So what is a VEO? what are the consequences for a child? how to get away from it?

Ordinary educational violence refers to the physical, psychological and verbal violence, often admitted and tolerated, that we inflict on our children for educational purposes. From spanking and slapping to the hand, humiliation, conditioned love, threats, guilt of children or blackmail. We then speak of mistreatment, even if the word may seem strong. It is called “educational” because it is an integral part of education at home, at school, in short in all places where the child lives. And “ordinary” because it is often daily and considered normal, mundane, harmless and sometimes even encouraged by some of our relatives. Who has not yet heard a loved one tell him “Let your baby cry, he’ll calm down on his own anyway.” ” or “Be careful, your child makes you walk / manipulate … you must not be manipulated by your child otherwise he may overwhelm you and you will no longer know how to do …” ; For me, this kind of talk reinforces parents in the idea that we must “correct children from a very early age. Applying these VEOs without thinking, however, does not allow us to understand the peculiarities of the child, his great emotional fragility, the immaturity and the vulnerability of his brain. Suddenly I wonder in the child-parent relationship, who has the dominant place? who is the most fragile? which of the 2 tyrannizes over the other, the parent or the child? in any case, the relationship between children and parents is morally and physically unequal. The parent dominates the child by his moral, psychological and intellectual hold, but above all by his physical strength.

VEOs are practiced by some adults with the aim of “educating” the child or modifyingbehavior deemed “unacceptable“, except that these VEOs are serious and can have serious consequences on children: aggressiveness, disturbances in attention, depression, lack of confidence and self-esteem … children who have undergone VEO are disturbed at age adult in their way of living for example, their ability to flourish and lead a life in relation to what she would like. More often than not, the child does not revolt against his parents, but all this accumulated violence spills out on his class friends, his brothers and sisters, then later on the spouse and his own children. A child who is hit finds it normal to hit and vice versa, or a child who is humiliated often gets used to being humiliated and finds it normal to humiliate others. Sudden violence will teach children to resolve conflicts through violence and the balance of power. Physical violence (spanking, slapping. Kicking, pushing, pinching, pushing, brutally grabbing a child, etc.) teach children, for example, that we can be hit because we are loved or that we can hit because we love someone and therefore violence becomes a norm..

The purpose of this article is not to make people feel guilty, but to raise awareness and reflect. In general, it is important to avoid gentle violence because it has a negative impact on the development of a human’s brain.
It is important to think that a child is a full human with his opinions, his choices, his own thoughts. It’s not about letting him do whatever he wants, or giving him a bunch of choices (because that’s bad for his brain too), but rather showing him that his ideas matter. Of course, there’s no question of letting him put himself in danger either. But bear in mind that sometimes we think something is not happening when in reality why not. As long as there is no danger to his physical and mental health.

How to get away from VEOs?

Just as the child is asked to make amends instead of being punished, we, as parents, can make amends for our actions and words that have gone too quickly. Let us place ourselves at the height of the child, ask him what we can do to take care of him, explain to him that we are particularly tired, stressed at this given moment in our life, and that our gesture / word exceeded our will and our love for him. Let us remind him how much we love him, and that we will always love him, no matter what.
As humans, we all have flaws, and are all vulnerable to others, adults and children. It is no longer dramatic if we realize it, if we admit the problem, that we intend to take care of the other and do what it takes to fix it. With awareness comes the beginning of the journey towards other habits, new approaches which, added to each other, with the efforts of each one, will lead to a better world with caring human beings.

Better than repair, there is also prevention. Let’s ask ourselves about our behaviors, and our real goals and wishes as parents:
what is really important to us? that the child stays at the table until all the adults have finished, or does our child feel happy, not coerced and humiliated in front of others?
What kind of an individual do we want to see grow up with us? a child crumbling under the constraints and submissions from an adult world, or a happy little being, free to develop at their own pace and according to their own needs?

Let’s not hesitate to let go: there is not and never will be a perfect child, nor is there a perfect parent. All these old methods, in particular the rites around the meal, the bedtime, the obligations of politeness or of attention towards people that the child does not know or does not recognize, or does not appreciate, do they really do good to the children? children? or, on the contrary, does it not engage us in daily conflicts and discomfort? Let’s try to put ourselves in the shoes of the children, especially try to remember how we felt, ourselves, as a Child, in all honesty and without lying to each other, it helps a lot to change the situation.
Let us reconsider our priorities, meditate, desecrate what has built us: evolve, change, towards a better world for children.

In order to get rid of gentle educational violence, we must above all not be in denial, but on the contrary accept that it is being done and that it has a negative impact on the child; we must also want to change. Of course, this will not happen in a day, in a week or even in a month. You have to take the time to think about it, and engage in a global and daily reflection: is this gesture / this word a gentle violence? does it hurt my child? does it take us away from each other? why am I doing this without realizing it? how can I get rid of it?

If not, have you ever heard of the gentle, ordinary educational violence? Do you understand better? How do you feel ?